Hey everyone, I havent blogged in about a year I think, guessing my life isnt too interesting lol. I am going through some major changes and i have a brighter postive outlook on life and I am finally starting to do the things that make me happy and focus on me and me only. Growing up in a household with an evil man that tortured my childhood and how he destroyed my innocence as a child and how I look at things has followed me for a very long time which comes down to the person that I am now. I am ready to tell my story and put it all in my past... so here it goes.
I believe I was about 7 or 8 when it all started I love my family so much, but they have screwed me up and kept quiet about a lot of things that should have came out to the light. So I grew up living with my Mom, my grandma, my little brother and my uncles which seems like the ideal family right? Well My father has never been there for me and I didnt have him as my father figure and he disappointed me a lot in life, so my uncle Robert stepped up to the plate and he was our romodel and filled in that part that we despertately needed. Which he means the world to me, hes the best person I know. Well that's Robert the best uncle their is... anyways long story short lets get to the details that have me a bit uneasy on things, my uncle Roland this man is fake, phony and the most didsgusting person that Ill even know and hes a man that should be punished for all the wrong doings hes done and doesnt realize that its wrong. This man has touched and disrespected me for as far back as I could remember. List of things hes done to ruin my life, when I was about 8 he started the touchy feeling stuff and would show my brother and I porn and would physically sneak in my room at night too look and touch me. Its so hard to sit here and talk about it becasue Ive never really written it down. When I turned 11 or 12 somewhere around that age, he took my brother and I to a nude camp of course us thinking that it wa regular camp and my mom made us go to go and have fun her herself thinking it was a normal camp out, which it still would of been just as bad to me. When we got there everyone wasa nude and it was so awkward and dsigusting and we wanted to go home so bad, but we were in payson and at that age what was a cell phone!! Roland undressed himself in front of us and that was already super traumatizing i didnt want to be there anymore, it was late also and it almost time for lights out, I was getting super worried around this time. I wanted to sleep in the car with my brother and roland wouldnt let me because he said I sleep walk (so untrue) he made me sleep in the tent with him against his naked body and I had chills and cried I didnt want to be in that situation, when someone of your own blood was rubbing against you and holding you I wanted to scream, but I was scared of what he was going to do. I got up and ran to the car and made my brother open the doors and made sure to lock them behind me (thank goodness the keys were in the car) Roland yelled at me to go back to bed, but that wasnt happening because I knew that it was wrong. Finally 2 days passed and it was time to go home, he told us that if we told he would hurt us and beat us till the (shit) came out of us. Sorry for the lingo his own words.
As soon as a we got home, we were scared to tell my mom and grandma, but the second day I thought Im going to tell my mom and I did... this man still continued to live under that roof and was able to keep taking advantage of me and I didnt know what to do. I still love them and I learned to forgive them for letting it go on for so ling and at times still feel a little bit of resentment towards them, but I have to be the bigger person. Roland made my life a living hell and I realized because off all of this I didn't do so good in my teenage years and in school and I ended up with the wrong crowd, I cant name this person, but their was another person that did the same thing and my family kept putting me in this situation and it took a great toll on me. I'm not going to lie, I skipped classes my grades were slipping and I didnt care about anyone nor myself. I hated myself and I never truly had honest and reliable friends that I could count on without being talked about. I turned to smoking Weed and lived on sleeping pills every night, I also would cut my wrists up and was successful to reaching my veins a couple of times and it was brutal and I needed help. I talked to my mom and she didnt understand me, I told her I was depressed and needed help she would say you need anger management which wasnt the case at the time... Well I didnt get the help I needed, but I was just so sick and tired of living that life and I wanted out so bad and when I tried to leave and stay with friends my mom and grandmother would call the cops and say I ranaway and never did they ever want me to say anything to the cop about anything because they would say I was lying about Roland, you take one look at that man and you can tell hes just not someone that you can trust I hated him!! I left school for a while and went to go visit my grandmother my dads mom who I hadnt seen in about 2 years, for some reason I just wanted to go see her knowing that shes never been there for me, but I didnt care I wanted to go. My mom dropped me off and I styed there for weeks and it happens to be where I met Demetrius My husband Now of almost 3 years and Ive been with him for about 6 years now. All I can say is that he changed my life for the better because I seen things in a way I didnt see before which I was grateful for. I was tired of being at home in all of that mess and the boyfriends my mom had at the time werent any good either so it made my life a bit more intense. I left my moms house and moved in with Demetrius and I was determined to stay there with him. I told my mom and she would even drop me off at his place before we moved in with each other and when it came to her telling the truth she said she didnt know anything about him and made me look like a bad kid, but I wasnt I desperately wanted out of that house. My family did finally meet him and loved him, so thats how I was able to keep living with him. I may have not gone through as much as other people nor is it a life and death situation, but I feel that I went to hell and back. I'll never let anyone put me down like that and believe me I will and so speak up. This experience has made me have a lot of insecurities with everyting, my relationship, my appearance and my actions, and I let it overcome my life at times. I made a decision to end all of that when my Roland asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I was 16 and I just knew I would last as a person still living under the same roof with a pedaphile. Im so glad I got out and It feels so good to let that out and talk about it and I want it to stay in my past and never let it run my life.
Since all of this I have gained so much weight that im just not happy about and I did turn to food as my comfort, and one thing that made me change my motto and finally commit to losing this weight is I happen to see an epsiode on this show called Heavy on A&E I dont know if anyone has heard of it, but its quite a scary show and I dont want to end up living a life being Obese and almost dying because of my weight. It scared me so much I know I have to make a change for the better and this is where my new and healthy life will begin.
Right now I weigh about 240 which it may not seem like it because of muscle weight that I have as said by the doctor, but i not comfortable with that number and starting 8/22/2011 my diet and exercising begins.
Starting weight- 240
Goal weight- 135
lbs that i need off- 105
time frame- 5-6 months (or sooner who knows)
Here is a picture odf big o'le me!
As you see im rockin a double chin and whole lot of face fat lol and next ill upload a body pic, im sorry itll be a bit disturbing lol! itll be better and Ill blog everyday of my diet journey until I reach the end. These pictures will be something Ive never done not have I posted something with my shirt up and my fat hanging, and if these pictured are postedo online then you have to know im serious about losing and shedding those pounds, itll take a lot of time and energy and a lot of exercising! So if your hear to criticize me i simply dont care and you can dont have to read my page nor follow me. This is for me and only me not for anyone else. This is me deal with it. I feel that I have done a complete 180 in a positive attitude and actually feel positive its time for me to take my life back.. If your my supporter thank you so much and fell free to comment and post your personal opionions and how I can overcome this and advice that may help me in the future. :) so here goes nothing the rest of the photos! no judging everyone.
AGAIN NO JUDGING LOL. HERE COMES THE REST OF THEM....
So lets let the journey begin and hopefully itll go smoothly! 135 pound body here I come at least close to that weight! you never know I'll prove a lot of ppl wrong! :)
Well everyone have a safe rest of your weekend.... tomorrow is a new day and we will see how my first day goes. Bye everyone, Much Love Sandra Barber/Emily
